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I think every artist, when they create something, hopes its understood by its audience.I know I do. Some people say that its better, as an artist to make the art and let it be scrutinized by the critics and the fans. And thats valid, but as a fan now and as a fan before I was an artist, I always loved getting inside the artists brain. I loved having MY reality of the art and then learning what the artists vision was. Sometimes it's the same, sometimes it's similar but not quite what I thought and sometimes it's completely and utterly the polar opposite of what I thought it was. But the discovery and insight, regardless of the similarities or differences was always fascinating.
So now that the EP is public and my most personal creation to date, I wanted
to share my thoughts, my vision and my reality behind the creating of the album and its individual songs. It was a very fun album to make, it was very inspired and was really a handful of ideas that had been rolling around my head for a while that I finally focused on and made come to life in a matter of a few weeks but it was also one that for me personally, was a risk and is a bit nerve-racking.
In the records before this album, I tended to try and keep my personal life seperate from my music. There are some exceptions but for the most part I kept it vague and disconnected. I used a lot of "you's" and "they's" so it was more of a 3rd person narrative rather than a 1st person narrative. Its a small thing that can deflect a lot of questions I didnt want to answer.
The idea that you as a fan and consumer will now know me on a deeper and very personal level and I, the artist doesnt know you from adam (thats a saying, right?) makes me vulnerable and a tad uncomfortable. But I think that that feeling comes from a place of shame and embarrassment of who I was or wanted to be and a need for acceptance from people that I didnt feel accepted by.
So this album is basically a short glimpse into the very personal process of me forgiving myself for the ills I have done, of me letting go of the need of that a-fore-mentioned acceptance I so believed I needed and appreciating the people, places and things that already accepted and loved me in the first place. Its about accepting the fact that I think I have a drinking/partying problem that is self-destructive and finally about remembering why it is that I first began
writing rhymes, poetry and doing music way back when.
These are my lights for the dark nights.
"New Day"
So after "The Basics" dropped, myself and Slouch actually didnt really talk for quite some time. It wasnt like a falling out or anything, people just take different roads and ours, for the moment, had gone in different directions. Well, one day after probably a year or so, he hits me with a little myspace message saying, "I got some new beats", I think you'll like 'em. This beat was the first I heard and I immediately knew I needed it. I hit em back and was like, "I got a great idea for this beat! Save it for me!" That was a lie, I had no idea what I was gonna write but I knew it would be great. Slouch picks samples that if I were a producer, I would choose. So much soul in 'em. Sometimes, beats can inspire an idea real quick and it flows instantly, other times you have an idea for a song and you hear a beat and think "this will work". Well, I had a basic idea about starting fresh and kind of beginning again and one day I was listening to the beat and it to sing the line to what is now the intro "its a new day, I know what I think what do you say". Next, I wrote the verse in like 10 minutes because it was perfect for my starting fresh idea and the words had been there, in my head, only there was no canvas for 'em. This was the canvas. Im really proud of this song. I think it was literally the first time I ever outwardly said that I didnt really wanna drink anymore (without being hungover) and truely meant it. It was a sobering moment for me. In the end, the song is really about seizing the moment. Every day is new, obviously, but its about making sure you remember that every MOMENT is new and using it to be the the best you, you possibly can be, thats whats most important.
"Insanity Reigns"
Slouch also work(ed)s with an extremely talented rapper out of Rhode Island named Symmetry. When I first heard this beat I didnt even bother asking for it cauz I figured it was going to Sym. It has the same type of feel that every other song they've done together has and so I just assumed. But time went on, it never happened and when we decided to do this project together, it was still available. I had no idea what I was gonna write except that I wanted for it to be a fun song to do live. So I decided to write the hook first, I wrote it and was like, "now what?" Well, as I mentioned earlier, I struggle with my drinking/partying a bit too hard. One morning, after what was probably like a 3-day bender I woke up feeling awful, physically and emotionally. Recalling some of the previous nights adventures, I realized I really didnt enjoy thinking about it. Dont mis-understand that however, I love drinking - Too much. It provides a loss-control that I dont get when Im sober. (thats the point right?) BUT, when I'm sober, I HATE thinking about what Im like when Im drunk. 99% of the time, Im embarrassed by myself. I feel crazy (hence the title), out of control, cocky and mean-spirited. Thus, I forced myself to think about my actions long and hard so as a reminder of how NOT to act. In short, This song is how I see myself when Im drunk AFTER Ive sobered up. And I kind of made it a party song thats good to drink to. (have to laugh at that)
"Appreciation" with Sol
This song was one of those songs that just happened really naturally. Sometimes the best art happens when you just dont plan it. I wrote the verse and hook and hollered at a few people to get on it. Sol, who is one of my oldest friends (I have literally known him since he was born!) got back to me and said he wanted to make it happen. He recorded his verse and a different hook (he didnt know I wrote one and I told him to write as much as he wanted if he felt inspired) in like one night in his home set up, sent it to me and it was a home run. I decided I would use my hook as an intro/outro type of thing but HIS hook was "THEE hook", that was obvious, and we recorded it at the studio a few days later. It happened perfectly and was the first song finished on the album. Right off the bat people think its about "haters". In my opinion, its absolutely about the opposite. I wrote it as a serious thank you to the Northwest and a message to myself reminding myself how fast I felt better once I left that hate and envy at the door. It feels much better to appreciate the people around the town doing big things and making amazing music. Im a cheerleader for this northwest hip-hop scene and the more I appreciate it and all its gems, the better it makes me feel. Thats a win-win in my mind.
BIG UPS TO SOL!!!
"Story to Tell" with Grynch
This was a beat that I heard and liked a lot for its simplicity. I thought it would fit the album perfectly so after I heard it, i just kept it on my ipod for a long time and would just vibe to it. I didnt want to muddle it too much with a big hook or a complicated idea. The hook came quickly and after that it was a breeze. Sometimes, less is more and this is a perfect example. Throughout the summer, I had been listening to Grynch's new EP "Chemistry" and really realized how much depth Grynch has an MC. He is able to cover a lot of topics and make a complicated topic sound simple. He's a super talented dude. Not to mention, our friendship was a strange one. I always liked Grynch and we got a long when we would see each other. He was actually one of the first people I ever met in the scene. (not sure if even HE knows that) But when Im drunk, I can become a rude, sarcastic jerk. Some people bore the brunt of this more than others and Grynch, unfortunately, seemed to always be there when I was at my worse. But after I sobered up and was able to see the err in my ways, he was one of the first people I apologized to. And as always, the nicest guy in the world, he didnt even sweat it. So after I wrote the hook and my first verse to the song, and listening to Grynch's EP all summer, I knew there was no one else that I wanted on it. I called him, told him, he was down. He called me the next day and said he was done. I said I had a studio session the next day. We went in there, I did my verse in two takes, he did his in one (always one step ahead - damn you Grynch!) and its a classic. Sometimes, simple is better. It was a great experience.
"Beautiful Mind"
This song has taken me so long to finish I could probably write an entire book on it. I have actually written two different chorus' to it and three different verses, all of which were never used. Not to mention, after I scrapped it for "The Basics" I gave it to Sol who in turn gave it back so that we could then a song together over it which never happened either. Its the red-headed step child of my rap career. But its finally getting its due. Honestly, I think it was just about maturity. I wasnt ready to put that into the world yet. I was, emotionallly, too young to bear the responsibility of having to answer to this song if I slipped up in my personal life. The idea of being in a relationship and appreciating that other person for their mind and the connection you have with them as much as there looks and the physical connection is a simple enough IDEA, however, the acting upon that is much harder than it sounds as most people know. And rapping about in a way that was both sincere and funny while still making sure the topic is taken seriously, at times, seemed impossible. But in the end I think I pulled it off. Its funny, because throughout the process of writing and recording this song, in my personal life, all I was doing was fighting with the woman in my life. We struggle and struggle and struggle but we try and always talk it out, no matter how hard it seems. It can be awful but dealing with that and then coming back to this song every night made me realize how important the song is. Sex is easy. Love and connections are hard. But in the long run, the rewards are much deeper regardless of the outcome. I'm proud to have finally finished this song and for it to be as good as it is. Hope you guys enjoy it because it was a long coming.
"Lights"
So I wrote about this one last because to me, it was the most important.
This was the first beat I EVER got from Slouch. I think I got it in like '04 when we first met. I thought the sample was just incredible and I loved the vibe from the second I heard it. I started writing to it immediately and a lot of the rhymes in this song are rhymes that I wrote when I first got the beat about 4 or 5 years ago. The song began as a love song about one person imparticualar but obviously as that was 5 years ago, things have changed. For a variety of reasons, the song was never made; complications with the beat, my personal gripe about being too personal and in the end I just thought it wouldnt fit. Looking back, I think it was fortuitous. Since then, I have been in several very intense relationships and I learned more about love every time. So when I went to pick up where I left off in the song years later but with that one same relationship in mind, I couldnt make it work. Too much time had gone by and I wasnt the same person, I was seeing someone else and writing a love song about an old love while with a new love or trying to combine the two was weird, in a nut-shell - life happened. So then I started to go with the old cliche "rap about rap" except "rap" in this case, was a woman. I hated myself for it. It was a cop out. And this beat does not deserve a cop out. So I stopped and began thinking about all the relationships in my life and how I could make it work without it feeling "weird". I stopped writing the song and actually wrote the rest of the album with this song unfinished. I actually thought it wasnt even gonna make the cut because I wouldnt be able to make it work - AGAIN. But as I wrote the rest of the album and thought about my life and what's important to me I realized the thing that this album is about and the thing that is most important to me right now is love. It sounds sappy and maybe it is, but dealing with all the bullshit that life throws at you, its important, for me anyway, to understand my relationship to and with love. How do I feel about it? what happens when I'm in love? Whats it like when I feel like I have none to give or am not getting any love? Is it a conscious decision to love or does it just happen? And why do I only think about it when Im in a relationship? Thats not when its only relevant, right? Its important to love my life, its important to love myself, its important to love my family, its important to love, period. So the song is about my relationship with love. Hopefully that makes sense. "feel all my nerves shake/ when I try and show you with some simple little wordplay". After that, it was easy. I could have written a ten minute song. The words just poured out of me. I think it was the most fun I ever had writing a song because it rang so true and I felt it was so important for me to write it and for the world to hear it. Its the most proud Ive ever been of any song Ive written to date.
So there you have it. I hope those of you that read it all, have enjoyed it and hopefully it will enhance the listening experience the next time you listen to the album.
Follow your light,
best,
Kubi
